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Hey listeners!
So I mention in the podcast that I originally attempted a one-hour format. It did not go well by any stretch of the imagination, and after conferring with a few friends who are also writers, I decided that I would switch to a two hour format. However, it was also suggested that I post what I had gotten done in one hour for posterity, as this podcast is really all about growth.
What follows is the original, which you can also listen to (if you are really bored) on Simplecast.
Okay, have fun.
Keep writing!
-Andy
(Cover art by Kayla Stern)
It was a quiet afternoon in the hills of North Carolina. I laid there daydreaming, thinking about how beautiful and peaceful the blue ridge mountains looked, set against the grass on which I laid. Flowers were littered around my picnic spot, and happy little bees were poking and prodding them peacefully, collecting pollen for their delicious honey. I heard them buzz and began to drift off. Unfortunately, there are also mosquitoes out this time of year. Also unfortunately, I happen to take after my mother, whom mosquitos have always seen as a veritable smorgasbord of fine tasting blood. This has lead to me having what feel like millions of little bumps form all over my skin after being outside for a grand total of about five minutes. Realizing that I was beginning to get bitten, I took a can of insect repellant, an aerosol container, and began to spray myself liberally. “Hey!” a faraway voice said, “what the fuck, man?” I stopped spraying myself down with repellant and whipped my head around, expecting some college kid and his frat brothers to have come upon my picnic site and be jovially jocking their way around nature. There was no one there. As far as I could tell from my little perch, there was no one around for quite some distance. Hearing has never been my strongest suit. I am absolutely perplexed by what I have hard, and cannot find any sort of explanation for it. Well, I guess I am around a few valleys, of sorts. Things do tend to echo ‘round these parts. Thing is, it didn’t sound like an echo. I tried to brush off the uneasy feeling that was beginning to well up inside m, and began to reapply my repellant. “Bro, are you fucking kidding me right now?!” the same voice said, this time from a lot closer. I stand up, ready to defend myself from whoever is berating me, because at this point, I’m sure it’s personal. “who’s there” I shout. “Don’t here you giant ass” a heard the voice say. I look down to a flower near my feet and see a bee. Okay, those brownies had something extra special in them, I guess. I laugh and lay back down on my blanket. I’ve always been taught that if you don’t bother bees, they won’t bother you. I figure I’ve not done anything to this little bee, and there’s no way in hell he was actually talking, to I just try to relax my mind and let go of the stress around me. But then I felt little legs walking up my chest, consistent with those of a bee. I glance down my chest, past my chins and squint in the sun to see a bee walking up towards my face. “Shoo!” I say “Shoo! I don’t want to hurt you!” “yeah yeah, cram it, buddy, it’s a little late now”. Okay, this bee is talking to me. “Dude, you can talk?” I ask the little bee, unable to process the oddity that is unfolding. Oh for f… Yes. Yes I can talk. Clearly, I can talk, you’re hearing me aren’t you? “I mean, yeah, but this seems highly improbable.” I say, beginning to sweat, not so much from the heat of the sun, but from a slow and steady panic, working itself up my esophagus. I don’t dare move, as I don’t want to disturb the great talking bee. Especially if he’s feeling like stinging me. The bee sighed heavily, “You’ve heard of Esperanto, right? The universal language?” “I… yeah, yeah I guess I have.” “Well, as it turns out there’s a different language that all animals, and some humans, speak and understand.” “That’s incredible! How… How have humans never figured out that this is a thing?” “Well, I mean some of you have. Where do you think the story of Doctor Doolittle came from?” “Well, I guess someone’s imagination is what I always supposed.” “Almost every piece of imagination is based on fact in some way, isn’t it?” “Dude, you are blowing my mind in like, multiple ways” I tell the bee. “I get that a lot” said the bee. “How, how did you know I spoke the universal language?” “I didn’t, I just enjoy cursing at people who do dumb shit.” “I see… uh, listen, can I stand up?” “I don’t see what’s stopping you” “Well, I didn’t want to be rude,” I sputtered, “or startle you.” “Oh, you didn’t want to startle me? You didn’t want to be rude? Well, you sure didn’t seem to mind spraying that repellant all over my workplace.” He said indignantly. “I..” I stood up slowly, and the bee took flight and landed on my shoulder, “I… didn’t think it would hurt you. Does it?” “Not hurt me directly so much as just make me really sick. Also, the aerosol is bad for the environment, read a book moron.” “I… do you want me to leave?” “No, I want you to listen!” the bee says “You’re gonna tell your people about how they’re hurting me.” “Aw dude” I say “I’m just a cashier at 7-11, no one’s ever gonna listen to me. You need to pick another person.” “Aw, c’mon. It’s not like you’re completely useless. Humans can be very useful if properly motivated” I think the bee was trying to be encouraging. “You really don’t know me very well, huh?” “You want to get stung, buddy? Because that’s how you get stung.” I began to sweat more fervently than before. “I would… very much appreciate it if you didn’t sting me.” “Yeah, I figured. You’re allergic aren’t you. I can smell it on you… So you’re gonna be a nice human and do what I tell you, aren’t you?” “Are you” I sighed in disbelief “are you holding me hostage?” “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.” His tiny voice had begun to sound more hostile, threatening that it had before. I was dealing with a mad man… well, a mad… bee. I guess. “Well, if you sting me, you die too, you little shit!” I tried to bluff at having some sort of bravado, but I could tell that it was failing. I continued, hoping to turn the tide to my advantage “and besides I got my epipen in my backpack.” “Yeah?” the bee said “And where’s your backpack, sweetheart?” Now the bee was being downright condescending. “It’s in… it’s in my car.” “Oooh, I hate those things!” I felt the bee grip my skin a little tighter through my shirt. “I mean, they’re death traps! I can get in, but god help me, it takes so long to get out. Some of us don’t make it! That’s how Jimmy died.” “I’m… sorry?” “Yeah, you should be!” the bee yelled. “They’re bad on the inside, and the spew stuff that contributes to global warming” “Okay, dude, you’re actually really well educated for bee.” “For a bee?!” he yells, and I immediately feel my stomach sink to toes “what the hell is that supposed to mean, for a bee? Oh, I’m definitely gonna sting you now!” “NONoononononononononono, waitwaitwait, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just…” “Yeah?” “it’s… you’re an animal, and I didn’t think you guys really understood all of that.” “Wow. Wow you are dumb.” Said the bee. “It’s literally taking my job, you dumb sack of idiot, not to mention where I live.” “I didn’t know” I immediately winced after saying that. I knew what was coming, he was going to sting me for sure, now.” “You didn’t… you didn’t know? You expect me to believe that? Holy shit, you people have had ages knowing about this, but you didn’t know? You’ve been under a rock this whole time. You had no idea? You were uninformed. You slept through every news bulletin regarding it.” “I didn’t…” I sighed “Well, I guess just sting me and get it over with.” “No. No I’m not gonna sting you, you’re not worth it.” “I thought you said I could be very useful!” “Yeah, that was before I knew you were a fucking idiot.” The bee sighed heavily. “Yknow, I wish we could fight back. “ “Well, can’t you?” I asked. The bee sputtered “yeah, like we got the numbers. You said it yourself wiseguy, I sting you, I die, too. And not everybody’s allergic.” “Well, can’t you get the other animals to help?” “I mean, we’ve collaborated a bit. We even hired some guys. Why do you think mosquitos are such a pain in the ass?” “Aw, dude, come on!” I said. “You guys are responsible for that?” “Hey! Don’t talk to me about responsibility, pal, you’re the ones that are killing us all.” He sighed heavily, “But yeah, mosquitos are dicks” “Well. That’s one thing we can agree on”.